It's been awhile. I'm not sure what I'm even saying here. It's more just a feeling I have throbbing somewhere inside. No thoughts, really. Haven't had much of those lately. My journal's been sitting at the bottom of my bag, collecting sand.
I don't know who this is for. No one seems to read this blog. But if there's anyone out there who does, who too feels vacant, well, 'you're not alone,' as they say. I'm around. Unfulfilled.
I've been away for six months. 4 of those were spent studying in England. The rest was spent traveling, whittling my time in foreign cities with amazing people who felt, for the most part, like they weren't fit for their homes. So they drifted about, living the world because that's all they--we--feel is necessary. To Live. It should be so simple. For short spurts of time, it can be. And it's happiness. And then real life resumes.
Yes. I'm filling in for vacation time at a local newspaper. They're hiring two reporter positions. I applied. I think I'm good at this work. But I can hear the editor calling people for interviews. I'm sitting in the back cubicle. There's no action over here. No one visits me. I get few calls. I'm not in the running. My chest swells and my eyes water a little but I've trained myself not to cry because there was a time when I felt that everything works out in the end. So why cry unless it's necessary? I trained myself not to cry before I realized that I have no idea if things "always work out in the end." I haven't seen the end. When the end does comes, I probably won't know if everything worked out because I won't be here to judge such a topic. All I know is that things go well and things go bad. And sometimes humans are happy and other times we are sad.
At this moment, I am sad. It is the first full emotion I have felt since I returned home. I will not deny myself this feeling, nor will I deny my happiness, nor my fear nor my depression. To deny any emotion is to deny our humanity. We have this range for a reason. The idea, as far as I can tell, is to live it and learn from it, to carry on with experience as some sort of evolutionary survival tactic.
I don't know what I'm doing. Ever. Just floating about and hoping for the best. Many of us do that. Maybe all of us.
Right now I'm typing so it sounds like I'm busy. But I'm not busy. I'm, 24 and wasting my time. People may not see it, but I am.